Monday, November 12, 2012

The C.I.A. is Looking to Hire a New Director

"Ye shall know the truth and it shall set you free."

Today the Central Intelligence Agency announced that it will be actively seeking to hire a highly motivated person for the position of Director General.

The main qualities prospective candidates must possess are:

Honesty - the ideal C.I.A. director will be honest at all times.  No matter the situation, he or she will always speak the God’s honest truth, keeping in mind that the Agency was founded on a zero tolerance for deception.

Fidelity - we prefer to have a director who is single but, if married, he or she will not cheat, or have cheated, on his or her spouse. The Agency’s Rule of Conduct regarding this issue is similar to that of the United States Congress which states: 

“Engaging in any and all manner of sexual promiscuity including extra-marital affairs, is not only tantamount to complete incompetence on job, but should be considered as a direct threat to national security of this nation.  Therefore, we adhere to only the highest of standards among our own ranks, as our responsibility to the American people is to lead by example.”

Sound judgement - the candidate will show exceptional skills in the selection of people he or she associates with in their private life.  Above all such associations should be discreet, the person or people in question not being prone to sending idiotic, threatening e-mails to other members of the said candidates’ inner circle.
Vetting skills - The potential director should be able to demonstrate that he or she has successfully vetted all the present members of their inner circle, ensuring that it does not include anyone who would, as a recipient of the aforementioned idiotic and threatening e-mails, go running to, of all places, the FBI for assistance in the matter.

If you are the person we are looking for, are in full possession of most of your faculties and have all of the above qualifications, please feel free to send resumes to:

P.O. Box 1000
 Avenue A, Suite 10057
East Osh Kosh, FU 10001

Thank you.
A.J. Aston
C.I.A. Asset Allocation Office

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