I called God. Picked up the phone and dialed G - O - D. Numerically, it’s 4 - 6 - 3. (Depending on where you are, you may have to dial a ‘1’ first.)
The call was answered on the second ring which really, I mean REALLY, freaked me out! To be perfectly honest (as opposed to my usual kinda honest), I didn’t expect Him to pick up.
A voice boomed, “ALMIGHTY.”
(Tip: Always remember, when calling Him, to keep the receiver a little distance away from you. My eardrum was almost blown out, except that I dropped the handset right when He answered.)
“Oh, uh,--” I suddenly didn’t know what to say next. Identifying myself seemed so, well…. superfluous somehow, given that He knows everything anyway! It might have come across as, I don’t know, insulting maybe? On the other hand, not saying my name seemed rather rude.
“I hope,--”, I was going to say that I hoped I wasn’t catching him at a bad time, He might have been in the middle of dinner or something. (I had no idea what time zone, in which universe, He was in when I called). Then again, if it had been a bad time, He wouldn’t have answered the phone! Duh!
“I, uh,--” I was at a loss for words. There were so many things I wanted Him to do for me, so many things which needed fixing, but I have manners, you know? It seemed appropriate to first say something like ‘How are you?’ or better still, “How art Thou?’ Ask about the family, show interest. On second thought, that didn’t seem right either! He’s God, after all. There is no ‘how’ in his, ah, situation, is there? He just ‘is’. Period. Same probably goes for Jesus.
“Can I ask,--” I blurted, “I, uh, wanted to request,--” Shit! What do I mention first? It seemed selfish to start off with my problems when there were so many global ‘issues’ which desperately needed His intervention! So many people suffering….
It’s one thing when I talk to Him in my head. Then it’s, ‘Oh come on! God! Not another rejection slip!! I mean, really?!’ Or when I’m driving - ‘God, please, please, don’t let my transmission die! Not here, not fu…, uh, not now!' I ask for all kinds of things and I bargain, ‘the Lotto jackpot this Saturday is looking quite biggish! What say, You give me the numbers and I’ll spread the gravy around?’, as if that might tip the scales in my favor. Sometimes, it’s just a general ‘Give me a break already!!’ Like that….
But this, this was different! We were actually talking, on the phone! Communicating! Forth and back! An honest to God (pardon!) two-way conversation! Lucky I didn’t use Skype. That would have been beyond embarrassing! I looked such a mess! Oh, I forgot! He could see me….
What to say? Think! Think! Can’t keep Him waiting! My mouth was so dry that my lips stuck to my teeth. I said something like “Sorry to bother you!”, although it came out sounding more like "Sowwy doo bover oo!", and then I put the receiver down, ever so gently. I couldn’t handle talking with the Almighty! Not directly, not like that. It was just too much!
From now on, I’m sticking to the ‘conventional’ thinking to Him, same as before. Much easier and much cheaper, I mean, there’s long distance and then there’s LONG DISTANCE nth ! My phone bill will be delivered by truck this month….
Hope He wasn’t offended that I hung up on Him. Otherwise, there’ll be hell to pay….