Thursday, November 15, 2012

It Weren’t the Waves What Made Me Retch…

My voyage continued….

The sea eventually calmed down but it was a little nippy.  Documentation in hand, I sneaked up to a deck reserved for the “Aspire” passengers and found an empty lounge chair. The 'gliterati' in "Success" have small, individual hovercraft to recline on but you need a code to activate one of those suckers.  In all fairness I have to say that, for those of us in third class who wished to spend time outside,  empty lobster crates to sit on were provided, but I preferred to park my butt on the soft cushions in second and cover my legs with the thick warm blanky which also came with each chair.  Pulling out my reading sunglasses, I continued with the literature the bitchy gift shop lady had given to me a couple of days before.  

Now, where was I? In case you are worried about the expense, dear reader….’ blah, blah, blah…Most of the places we are about to describe to you provide public housing, free of charge!”  Ah, here we go.  The text went on to say:

 The next areas we will talk about is Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Website and Blog which are extremely large and sprawling urban conglomerations whose populations continue to grow exponentially.  Because of this phenomenon,  government and administration of these places had to be set up and run by very particular individuals possessed of a special skill set.  Curiously, it also made them unable to speak to one another face to face so that, as a consequence, all communication between them always took place in written form only.  So much so that, over the years, evolutionary forces which are, of course, always at work, caused new generations of these administrators to be born without vocal cords as they no longer had any need for such.  The talents which made these, shall we say, ‘evolved’ life forms ideally suited for the positions they held, are the very same ones which also predisposed all of them to suffer from KADD - Keyboard Attention Deficit Disorder.  

As a result of all of the above, the official language of the conglomerations we will be stopping at is Compish.  Visitors and tourists can use their native languages but those who wish to set up a residence (and you, dear reader, are one of these!) must, at the minimum, have a rudimentary understanding of Compish if you hope to get anywhere.

To assist you in recognizing what Compish looks like, the following is an example:

<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
<html xmlns="">
<title>Title of document</title>

The KADD afflicted individual who wrote the above attempted to say something about public transitions but found it damn near impossible.  After writing only a very few coherent words, a typical KADD sufferer is compelled to press various keys on the computer keyboard at random, without rhyme or discernible logic, clearly visible here.  Naturally this initially caused indescribable confusion, (as you can well imagine!) so a language was devised to standardize this random babbling.  Compish came to be.  It is said that it has it’s roots in Pig Latin or Piglish, if you will.

Yeah, but, obviously, this particular porker is hopped up on steroids! 

WARNING! There is an unwritten but very strictly enforced rule which, similar to the “when in Rome, you MUST do as the Romans”, means that no other form of communications when inside these conglomerations is accepted.  It is taken to such an extreme that any mistake, however minute, will cause automatic rejection.  Before attempting to apply for an address you can call your own, you would be well advised to learn some form or dialect of Compish, paradoxically referred to by the natives as ‘programming code’, or else you will be in for one hell of a bumpy ride!!

I could not read any more as my face was drenched in sweat and my mouth filled with saliva.  I stumbled towards the nearest railing.  Apparently I was not the only one affected by the information given…..

A.J. Aston

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