My name is Ovum. I, uh….
How is that spelled?
Oh-Vee-You-Em, Your Honor.
Thank you. What brings you before us today?
I have been unjustly accused of wrong-doing.
Well, Your Honor, it all started when my sister and I were given permission to go out. We were floating down a narrow alley, just minding our own business, when an army of these beings - I cannot describe them any other way - came charging at us out of nowhere. Soon, we were surrounded. One of these guys just wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept on hitting on me. I tried to ignore him (I didn’t want any trouble) but he was really persistent, kept pushing and pushing at me! Before I knew it, he managed to burrow his way inside me. I…..,
What did he look like?
Um, difficult to say. They all looked alike. They were kind of rotund and, oh yes, I remember they were all wearing the same funny outfits or costumes. Made them look like they had tails, you see. Maybe they belonged to a club or were in the chorus of a play or something, I have no idea. That’s all I remember. It was dark out, I couldn’t see very well.
Wasn’t your assailant close enough to identify?
Well, yes he was, but I can’t really describe him, Your Honor, because he came at me from behind and every time I turned around, he just just stayed right back there…..So anyway, since I couldn’t get him out from under my skin again, well, you know, if you can’t beat them, might as well join them, right?
Do not be flippant!
Yes, Your Honor, I apologize. Let me rephrase. We both wanted to make the best of an awkward situation so we discussed the problem and then decided that the only solution was to combine forces and merge. We, uh, I became a zygote. Then one day a strange thing happened. My eyes were closed at the time so I can’t say exactly what went on but, when I opened them again, there were two of us. We were an exact replica of one another. At first, I thought I was seeing things….,
Had you been drinking?
No, Your Honor, I was not, I swear. Anyway, from then on, every so often, the same thing would happen again. Suddenly, there was four of us, then we were eight, then sixteen, then thirty two; we were multiplying faster and faster. Since we were all identical and got along famously, we decided to keep going, make something of ourselves, you know?
Oh, right! Well, anyway, now I was a full-fledged embryo, taking my orders from the mother ship. I’d like to note here that there was absolutely no discussion! I was never asked for my thoughts and opinions regarding the project! I had to do what I was told and to the letter. Mine was not to reason why, mine was but to do or….well, die. Material was periodically sent down to make whatever conversions and adjustments to our structure. I used everything I was given, Your Honor! Every last drop. I didn’t pilfer or skimp or steal so if anyone had a problem with the end result, they should have addressed it to the mother ship, not to me! I did my part and….
Get to the point!
I was just going to do that, Your Honor. The whole project from conception to completion, took nine months. It was a lot of work but, well, as the fetus in question, I think I was well worth it! One day I was told that all systems were go. It was time for the birthday.
What do you mean birthday? What birthday?
All projects such as mine end in a birthday, Your Honor! That’s just the nature of what happens to ova like me. Anyway, when I found out that I would be born somewhere in the United States, I was so happy! You should have seen me! I was kicking up a storm! I was going to be a U.S. citizen the second I hit open air! I would have all these rights and privileges even before my brain fired it’s first synapse!
In a nutshell, Your Honor, life liberty and the pursuit of happiness!
Well, (once I was old enough, of course) I would be able to vote, I could live anywhere I felt like it, go to school and study whatever I wanted (or not), choose any profession which suited me, practice any religion, fall in love with whoever captivated my heart, get married, start a family, whatever. There was nothing that I, as a law-abiding U.S. citizen, would not be not free to do.
So what’s the problem?
The problem, Your Honor, is that even though I was built exactly as the mother ship instructed and even though I never, ever so much as J-walked, still I was told that, although I had full citizenship rights when I was born, my sexual orientation somehow automatically revoked of some of these rights.
Which rights were these?
I was told I had no right to legally marry the person I loved. This meant that federal benefits available to married couples would be denied to me and my partner.
What was the reason given for this?
They said that since the Bible defines marriage as between one man and one woman, and same-sex couple do not conform to that definition, we are, therefore, prohibited from entering into this institution and consequently, cannot enjoy it’s benefits under the law.
Please summarize your complaint.
Using my sexual orientation as reason for denying my rights is nothing short of saying that there is something ‘wrong’ with me and, as if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s adding absurdity to insult, by implying that I am somehow responsible for it! How any of us arrive in this world, what our gender is, what skin, hair or eye color we have, what our sexual orientation is, what traits we do or do not possess - is not of our choosing! Denying rights to anyone just because they were born one way and not another is discriminatory, not to mention patently unfair! It is ludicrous to hold anyone accountable for how they were genetically programmed just as it would be absurd to hold the mother ship accountable for doing the programming in the first place! I seek redress and justice!
Thank you for your testimony. We will now adjourn to discuss this issue and render our verdict.
We, this Court, find that, since the Constitution and English common law are the foundation for laws governing the United States, then any new laws or amendments enacted should have their legal basis exclusively in one or the other of these two entities. Since biblical principles are neither part of the Constitution nor English Law, then any laws or amendments to the Constitution based on said biblical principles are, ipso facto, illegal.
Further, under the 1st Amendment, the government is prohibited from imposing its religious beliefs on the citizenry by the enactment of laws which would serve that very purpose. Such enactments were viewed by our Founding Fathers as directly infringing on the rights of citizens to practice their own religious beliefs. That neither the Bible, nor God, nor the Creator nor any other Deity are mentioned in the Constitution, was not an oversight on the part of our Founding Fathers. They specifically chose not to do so as they strongly believed in the separation of church and state.
In light of the above, the disallowing same sex marriage is contrary to the spirit of the 1st Amendment. Further and most alarmingly, it flies in the face of the very authority of the Constitution! The United States is a secular society and, as such, is governed by laws based on secular, not religious tenets, the main principles being fairness and equality.
We, this Court, find that, just as the government, on any level, be it federal, state or local, cannot deny the rights of law-abiding U.S. citizens for reasons of gender, religious belief, ethnicity, race, creed or color, so too, denying such rights based on sexual orientation is unconstitutional and therefore, illegal.
We are adjourned!
A. J. Aston