UNITED STATES(alt) - PART IV - Tourism

Anastasia here again, this time to tell you all about U.S.^(alt) and the industry concerned with:

Tourism

Before Purification Day, one of the areas of commerce to greatly benefit from the absence of restrictions on gun ownership was tourism.  Revenues went up sharply, due in large part, to a new concept called ‘gun junkets’.   In contrast to the well-know sex junkets where “one went, one came and one left”, (at worst with communicable diseases), gun junkets meant “one came, one shot and one left”.  In many cases, unfortunately, it was “one came, one got shot, one left” -  often feet first.   

Gun junkets were largely populated by individuals who had “issues” they could do nothing about back home because, “back home” it was either practically impossible to get a gun at all, or guns could be had only after extensive background checks, as local authorities felt that it was paramount to the safety of their citizens to make sure that prospective gun owners had no criminal record or didn’t have serious mental problems.  Not us!  We didn’t care.  It didn’t matter if you spent more time behind bars than not, or if you were certifiable.  We believed in equal gun ownership and total discretion for all.  Underage, unstable or plain crazy - it was nobody’s business but your own when it came to firearms.  Murder was still illegal in U.S.^(alt), but we now had a slew of exceptions or loopholes, any one of which could readily be used to crawl out from under the weight of the justice system.   It didn’t take long for the “Stand your ground” law to be followed by the “It wasn’t me, it was the gun” defense.  Then came the “I think, therefore I shoot” concept, titled the “Malevolent Perception” law, permitting you to shoot anyone you thought meant you harm.  You didn’t have to be right, you just had to suspect it.  

UNITED STATES(alt) - Part III - Fashion

For those of you who do not as yet know me, my name is Anastasia and I am reporting to you live from U.S.(alt).  In the third part of my series (see Part I and Part II here), I will explore the subject of:  

Fashion

It has been said that fashion is but a reflection of a culture and of it’s evolution (or devolution) in a given society, and a translation into fabric of what designers perceive as the wants, needs and tastes of the public they serve.  

To understand how the fashion trends in the U.S.(alt) of today came about, we have to go back to yesteryear, to the times before Purification Day.  As you may recall, in those days, special interest groups were virtually running Congress(alt).  One of the most ‘successful’ of these groups was the NRA(alt), which not only made it a point to block any legislation to control gun violence, they pushed through (read: financed) the enactment of new laws which effectively overrode or repealed any and all restrictions on gun ownership, making it possible for anyone, at any age, to buy as many weapons as they wanted.  The motto, “The only one who can stop a bad man with a gun, is a good man with a gun”, was replaced with,  “The only good man, is a man with a gun”, implying that anyone who didn’t own a gun was likely up to no good.   In fact, owning a gun was touted as proof of goodwill towards one’s fellow man.  In churches, that part of the mass which previously called for shaking hands, was changed; parishioners now clinked guns instead, crossing muzzles like swords.  There were a few unfortunate incidences of heads being accidentally blown off, as one or the other of the ‘clinkers’ forgot to put the safety on and, caught up in their fervor of showing amity, squeezed the trigger just a wee bit too much.  

UNITED STATES(alt) - Part II - The Economy

Hello again!  Anastasia here, coming to you live from the heart of the United States(alt).  As I promised in my last report, today’s topic of discussions is: 

The Economy

Our economy, after we eradicated our budget deficit in it’s entirety, has been very healthy for some years.  There are many reasons for this, none the least of which is the fact that we phased out of the almighty greenback and adopted virtual currency.   We now only use Bitcoin(alt), saving ourselves the expense of printing banknotes, minting coins and policing all of it against counterfeiters.   As Bitcoin(alt) required no central regulating agency to either issue or transfer the currency, the banking industry argued most vociferously against the move.  The Departments of Finance and Treasury(alt) which jointly proposed this legislation, fought quite a battle with banking special interest groups by launching media campaigns, all to sway public sentiment their way.  Needless to say, the bankers lost.  The Office of the Comptroller of Currency was charged with overseeing all Bitcoin(alt) transactions after all twenty one million coins Bitcoins(alt) had been successfully mined. 

UNITED STATES (alt) - Part I - Politics

Hello, my name is Anastasia and I’m coming to you live from the heart of the United States(alt), a country much like yours, but located in a reality alternate to the one you are currently in.  

U.S.(alt) is very similar to your U.S., at least at first glance.  Our official language is English. Geographically, our land is identical in size and topography to yours.  Our cities, our towns, our names - everything looks the same as it does where you are but, underneath the surface, there are quite a few fundamental differences; differences which, you will be pleased to know, did not cause any disruptions in the fabric of the universe since the laws of nature permit deviations between realities.   I will use the (alt) designation whenever referring to places here (since they go by the same name as in your U.S.), to avoid any possible confusion on your part.  Let us start with:

Politics 

First of all, we now have a system of government which we call a “domain direct democracy”.  The change came about some years ago when we realized (finally!) that the Constitution(alt) could no longer be taken word for word as the basis for our laws since the document was written too many years ago to be applicable in the present.  Not only did it contain too much antiquated terminology which had no reference to our modern day society, it was filled with far too many ambiguities which caused only disputes and divisions among our citizens.  Keep in mind that the Declaration of Independence(alt) was signed in 1676, and the Constitution(alt)  became law in 1687, one hundred years earlier than yours did, respectively.   Our new version of the document is called The Constitution^2.0

The Only One Who Can Stop a Bad Man with a Cigarette, is a Good Man with a Cigarette

My precioussss.....

Hi, my name is Wynona LaJacques and it's great to be here today, among so many friends, and I appreciate your warm welcome. As you might imagine, I don't get invited to many parties in this town. That's okay. I came to New York City one day last year, but I didn't come here to be popular. I came here to stand for what I believe is true and to smoke a cigarette while I was at it.  

Adding Tremendous Insult to Horrendous Injury

As most of you know by now, the Manchin-Toomey Amendment to the S.649, Firearms Bill was defeated.  A filibuster by the Republicans forced a 60 vote requirement for the bill to pass and the count fell six votes short.  In a situation in which  86% of Americans want expanded background checks, (according to a CNN/ORC International poll released last week), you would thing that a more or less equal percentage of the senators would vote in favor of an amendment which calls for just that.  In a country where elected officials do their job and carry out the wishes of their constituency, you would be right but, judging by this vote, the United States is not that country.  No, in this country, for many politicians, their only agenda is to get into office again.  I don’t use the term “re-elected” because it seems to have little meaning anymore.  We think we “elect” our representatives but all we do, is choose the person best able to convince us of their sincerity and dedication to our cause.  Once in Washington, their sincerity and dedication goes to the highest bidder, selling the only thing they have to offer - their vote.  There is no other way to look at this.  This particular amendment was not an attempt to correct a “potentially” problematic situation.  It was not a theoretical or pre-emptive fix.  No, this amendment came on the heels of a terrible tragedy but even an appeal from the grieving parents of the children killed in Newtown, did nothing to budge the senators loyalty to the NRA and their money.  

It’s not enough to give a vote count.  It is important to know the names of those who sold out.  They are:

The Antics of Capitol Hill

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention!  

Thank you.

We have all come together this evening to honor the next recipients of the “Polysemous Politician” award or, as we affectionately call it, the Pee-Pee!

As you know, throughout the year, our committee painstakingly monitors the activities of people in public service on the federal, state or local level, whether Democrat or Republican, to find the person or people who, in our humble opinion, make a notable, shall we say, impression on the political landscape of these here United States.  We do this by reviewing all legislative proposals, without regard as to whether such legislation eventually becomes adopted or not.  What we look for are actions which can be termed as nothing short of staggering.  We seek those special someones who, by the very nature of what they say and do, astonish us, makes us speechless in incredulity and agog in wonder!  Please note (and I cannot emphasize strongly enough the importance of what I am about to say), that our choice is NOT an endorsement of the views politicians we choose espouse.  The committee prides itself in keeping it’s personal opinions out of the selection process.

The competition is always fierce.  Indeed, our elected officials have been, as usual, very active, filing proposals on a variety of subjects such as gun control, abortion, labor unions and emigration, to name a few.  Our current recipients - the proposed legislation which attracted out attention was initially sponsored by two people - chose to focus on a subject which, by all accounts, required no legislation.  Until they made their voice heard, there was no pressing issue which needed resolving.  There was no outcry from their constituency nor from the public in general. As with so much of the activity on the Hill, carried out in concert with large (and very wealthy) special interests groups, likely their actions served a specific agenda but, in a litigious society such as ours, it would be foolhardy for us to speculate, out loud, just how 'tangible' the goal of said agenda might be.  

Before we bring out our winners, let us give you the title of the proposed legislation:

S. 462: United States-Israel Strategic Partnership Act of 2013

113th Congress, 2013–2015. Text as of Mar 05, 2013 (Introduced).

To enhance the strategic partnership between the United States and Israel.

This bill and the significance of it’s provisions are best summarized by Mike Coogan, legislative coordinator, U.S. Campaign to End Israeli Occupation.  Our the committee found section 9 of this bill particularly interesting as it would, as Glen Greenwald of The Guardian wrote, “uniquely exempt Israel from long-standing requirements imposed on all other nations.”  

Mr. Greenwald goes on to say:

“More amazingly, the only purpose of this exemption from these US senators would be to allow Israel to discriminate against the citizens of the country these senators are supposed to represent.”

Need we say more?

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you,

Barbara Boxer, Democrat from California 

and 

Roy Blunt, Republican from Missouri.

Our winners have given new meaning to the idea that U.S. politicians should, first and foremost, represent the interests of U.S. citizens!  Congratulations!

A. J. Aston

Article first published as Absurdity on Capitol Hill on Blogcritics.