Breaking News! Ship of Fools Crashes into Twitter Dock! Legions Blacklisted!

Yesterday evening at 7:03p.m. EVT (Eastern Virtual Time), the captain of the Ship of Fools, Pequod Hornblower, shed three, albeit very large, tears when he admitted that he was tweeting while steering the ship into the harbor.  Focusing all of his efforts on making sure his messages exactly conformed to Twitter format and did not exceed the character limit, he took his eyes off the ship’s course and ‘accidentally’ eliminated 15,726 Twitter followers in the process.  

The victims of this unfortunate mishap were going about their usual monkey chain building business when the giant ship appeared at Twitter’s harbor entrance.  Realizing that a large contingent of possible followees were close at hand and could be had, the social media devotees flocked to the dock, preparing to greet the new arrivals by tweeting ‘follow’ invitations to the passengers on board.  

An eye witness described the scene:

“Everyone was waving and cheering as the huge ship floated towards them, happy at the prospect of having so many new ‘friends’!  Much too late they realized that the ship was not slowing down at all and, before they knew it, the bow of the ship rose up before then like a tsunami wave and then crashed into their ‘unfollow’ buttons, kicking one and all out of Twitter.  It was a sad, sad day!”

It is estimated that the captain’s astonishing incompetence on the job had detrimental effects on twenty seven million, four hundred forty two Twitter residents, sixteen thousand, eighty one Twitter dogs, several thousands Twitter cats and a gerbil, not to mention the crew of the ship who, immediately following the incident, were so outraged, they tried to hang the man from the nearest yardarm.  Twitter police had to be called in to disperse the murderous mob.  After cooling down, the group filed charges against their less than superior officer, alleging he was a f***ing idiot.   

A spokesman for the cruise line company, operator of the ship, in a rare, by-partisan joint press conference with Twitter government officials, assured the victims and their families that a full and transparent investigation of the incident will be launched immediately after the two sides agree on who the members of the investigating committee shall be.  When asked how long the selection process will take, the spokesman said:

“We will do our utmost to reach consensus as soon as possible although, given the current political atmosphere, we suggest you don’t hold your breath.”

To the question regarding the restoration of the ‘unfollowed’ to their rightful place among the Twitter population, the spokesman indicated that resurrection on such a massive scale would not be possible at this time.  Sorry.

Lawyers from all over the world are now flocking to Twitter, anxious to sign up as many of the victims of this unfortunate event as they can, in an effort to launch a massive class action suits against everybody and their mother. 

Stay tuned for further details of this ridiculous story as it unfolds… Or not.

Reporting to you live at the scene (we consider reporting dead highly unprofessional), this is, 

A.J. Aston 

for ABC News 

(Aston Broadcasting Company)

An Infamy Shared...

By her own account, Nancy Lanza was the mother of a disturbed boy, a painfully shy misfit, an odd piece in the puzzle that is our society.  Did she help him to overcome this?  Did she make every effort to support him in his efforts to find a place for himself among us?  To teach him that ‘different’ is really just another word for ‘special’ or ‘exceptional’?  That he too was somebody who counted?  Did she honestly believe that taking such a boy out of school, isolating him even more, and introducing him to guns and rifles was a reasonable or logical alternative?  A viable means of socialization?  Or was it just another activity a mother and her emotionally unstable son could share?  We may never know what she was thinking.  We may even find out that she did try to get Adam help, did do her utmost to teach him how to cope but there is no denying that, by putting a gun in his hand, Nancy took the grenade that was Adam and pulled out the pin.  He could do nothing other than explode and explode he did.  

There are probably a great many grenades among us and, too often, we don’t even know it.  But Nancy knew!  She knew damn well!  I do not excuse or defend Adam, but it must be acknowledged that it was likely his mother’s actions which were instrumental in flipping the switch.  She aimed the lightning bolt directly at her son and breathed another kind of soul into him.  Carnage ensued.  So who is to blame for it?  The monster or Dr. Frankenstein? Or both?

There are those who advocate that we should have more, not less guns, that arming ourselves to the teeth is the way to go.  Nancy did just that.  She armed herself with the result that Adam, who heretofore had done nothing remotely violent in his life, was handed the ideal tools to become one of the most infamous criminals we have ever known.  

A.J. Aston

Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill Blah, Blah, Bullshit!

True, guns don’t kill people.  Angry, deranged, disturbed, people do.  People with a grudge, people with something to prove, people wanting notoriety, people with an agenda.  But all those madmen (of the 43 mass shootings in this country in the last twenty or so years, only one was committed by a woman) would not have had the capacity to be as deadly if they had been unable to get their hands on guns and rifles and AK-47’s.

In light of what has happened in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, all other issues, concerns and arguments, everything which, till today, has occupied and/or divided us, pales into insignificance by comparison.  It is why I have removed the petition on higher taxes for the rich from my blog.  I can’t see that it matters, not just now.  I was, for a brief moment, tempted to replace it with one calling for stricter control of firearms, but this is not the time.  This is the time to think of the twenty children and six adults who lost their lives to bullets, shot out of guns in the hands of a person who should have never, ever had access to them in the first place!

My heartfelt condolences to the families of the victims, their friends and colleagues, to the residents of Newtown, and indeed, to this nation.

A.J. Aston

To The Pledge or to The People?

Correct me if I’m wrong but I was under the impression that in these here United States of America, politicians owed their jobs to the electorate, namely all of us, not just some of us.  In return for such employment, said politicians are charged with the duty of carrying the voices of the people to Washington, there to speak on our behalf, rich and poor alike.  

For months now, the debate has raged on the subject of the effective tax rate the super rich pay in comparison to the rest of us lesser mortals.  The President and Democrats are for leveling out the playing field, while the Republicans and John Boehner are against.  

The most compelling reason for a tax hike on the wealthiest among us is, to my mind, a very basic one and that is the issue of equity.  Present tax rates are just not fair!  

An argument against, and spoken least often about, is one which I find quite baffling, not to say highly questionable. It is, (insert ominous music here) The Pledge.  You know, the one which was signed by ALL but 16 of the incoming Republican members of the House of Representatives and ALL but 12 of the Republicans currently in Congress?  Signed at the behest of Grover Norquist of the ‘(Not all) Americans for Tax Reform’?  The one where the signatories promise never, ever, ever to raise taxes, particularly not on the top one percent of earners in this country?  The pledge which Grover maintains is as solemn, if not more so, than, say, wedding vows?  (Actually, he may be right on that score, judging by some of the scandals coming out of Washington, but I digress….)  

Yeah, that’s it, that’s the one!  Keeping in mind that some of these pledges, as you may know, were signed as long as twenty years ago, or a fifth of a century, a generation, a bloody long time ago, I feel compelled to ask:

  How did the people who signed this pledge THEN, know what the people who elect them into office might want TODAY?

Before you answer this question, let me remind you of the oath which all members of Congress must say, out loud, for all to hear, right hand over left heart:

“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.”

I don’t know about you but I don’t see anything in there about supporting and defending the pledge to Grover Norquist above and before the Constitution, that little, not insignificant piece of paper which is the framework of this country, the principals on which all else was and is built, the basic premise of all government and it’s elected members, you know, the ones elected by the People, for the People? It don’t say nothin’ ‘bout no Grover….

So, then, ah, who are these Republicans really working for ‘cause damned if I know….

I think they need to be reminded, I think they need to hear from their actual employers, from us!  One way to do that is to sign the petition, the one at the top there, in the upper right hand corner of this blog?  Yeah, that’s the one!

Please sign, won’t you?

Thank you muchly!

A. J. Aston

Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt…

I wrote that line!  You are all my witnesses in case anybody asks, right?  It’s a fact!  You just read it, on MY blog, in black and white! Can’t denial that!  

I’m sure a few people out there will go around saying that I wasn’t the first one to do so, but my answer to them is, ‘Get a life!’  I mean, really!  Why make such a fuss?  

O.K., O.K.! Fine!  So it was Mark Twain who wrote the line before me but hey, that was sooo long ago…..

Speaking of denial - I hate Phillip Roth!  There, I said it!  Yes, I did and I do.  Any writer slash hoping to get published and become an author type person person, should detest Phillip Roth!  Why?  I’ll tell you why! 

A. J. phone Him...

                                                             I called God.  Picked up the phone and dialed G - O - D.  Numerically, it’s 4 - 6 - 3.  (Depending on where you are, you may have to dial a ‘1’ first.) 

The call was answered on the second ring which really, I mean REALLY, freaked me out!  To be perfectly honest (as opposed to my usual kinda honest), I didn’t expect Him to pick up. 

  

A voice boomed, “ALMIGHTY.” 

(Tip: Always remember, when calling Him, to keep the receiver a little distance away from you.  My eardrum was almost blown out, except that I dropped the handset right when He answered.)

Homage to a Brilliant Book

Overcoming my reluctance, I finally went to see a book matchmaker because, well, though I had been with a lot of good reads lately, I was looking for the Book Perfect!  You know, that special ONE?  The one that comes along only once in a while, and when it does, it just knocks your reading glasses off?  The one that makes you laugh out loud, shed a tear (but in a good way), gives you advice and support when you need it, is honest and straightforward, doesn’t try to sell you bullshit?   I know, I know, It was a lot to ask, but I  had my dreams….