UNITED STATES (alt) - Part I - Politics

Hello, my name is Anastasia and I’m coming to you live from the heart of the United States(alt), a country much like yours, but located in a reality alternate to the one you are currently in.  

U.S.(alt) is very similar to your U.S., at least at first glance.  Our official language is English. Geographically, our land is identical in size and topography to yours.  Our cities, our towns, our names - everything looks the same as it does where you are but, underneath the surface, there are quite a few fundamental differences; differences which, you will be pleased to know, did not cause any disruptions in the fabric of the universe since the laws of nature permit deviations between realities.   I will use the (alt) designation whenever referring to places here (since they go by the same name as in your U.S.), to avoid any possible confusion on your part.  Let us start with:

Politics 

First of all, we now have a system of government which we call a “domain direct democracy”.  The change came about some years ago when we realized (finally!) that the Constitution(alt) could no longer be taken word for word as the basis for our laws since the document was written too many years ago to be applicable in the present.  Not only did it contain too much antiquated terminology which had no reference to our modern day society, it was filled with far too many ambiguities which caused only disputes and divisions among our citizens.  Keep in mind that the Declaration of Independence(alt) was signed in 1676, and the Constitution(alt)  became law in 1687, one hundred years earlier than yours did, respectively.   Our new version of the document is called The Constitution^2.0

The Only One Who Can Stop a Bad Man with a Cigarette, is a Good Man with a Cigarette

My precioussss.....

Hi, my name is Wynona LaJacques and it's great to be here today, among so many friends, and I appreciate your warm welcome. As you might imagine, I don't get invited to many parties in this town. That's okay. I came to New York City one day last year, but I didn't come here to be popular. I came here to stand for what I believe is true and to smoke a cigarette while I was at it.  

Adding Tremendous Insult to Horrendous Injury

As most of you know by now, the Manchin-Toomey Amendment to the S.649, Firearms Bill was defeated.  A filibuster by the Republicans forced a 60 vote requirement for the bill to pass and the count fell six votes short.  In a situation in which  86% of Americans want expanded background checks, (according to a CNN/ORC International poll released last week), you would thing that a more or less equal percentage of the senators would vote in favor of an amendment which calls for just that.  In a country where elected officials do their job and carry out the wishes of their constituency, you would be right but, judging by this vote, the United States is not that country.  No, in this country, for many politicians, their only agenda is to get into office again.  I don’t use the term “re-elected” because it seems to have little meaning anymore.  We think we “elect” our representatives but all we do, is choose the person best able to convince us of their sincerity and dedication to our cause.  Once in Washington, their sincerity and dedication goes to the highest bidder, selling the only thing they have to offer - their vote.  There is no other way to look at this.  This particular amendment was not an attempt to correct a “potentially” problematic situation.  It was not a theoretical or pre-emptive fix.  No, this amendment came on the heels of a terrible tragedy but even an appeal from the grieving parents of the children killed in Newtown, did nothing to budge the senators loyalty to the NRA and their money.  

It’s not enough to give a vote count.  It is important to know the names of those who sold out.  They are:

The Antics of Capitol Hill

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention!  

Thank you.

We have all come together this evening to honor the next recipients of the “Polysemous Politician” award or, as we affectionately call it, the Pee-Pee!

As you know, throughout the year, our committee painstakingly monitors the activities of people in public service on the federal, state or local level, whether Democrat or Republican, to find the person or people who, in our humble opinion, make a notable, shall we say, impression on the political landscape of these here United States.  We do this by reviewing all legislative proposals, without regard as to whether such legislation eventually becomes adopted or not.  What we look for are actions which can be termed as nothing short of staggering.  We seek those special someones who, by the very nature of what they say and do, astonish us, makes us speechless in incredulity and agog in wonder!  Please note (and I cannot emphasize strongly enough the importance of what I am about to say), that our choice is NOT an endorsement of the views politicians we choose espouse.  The committee prides itself in keeping it’s personal opinions out of the selection process.

The competition is always fierce.  Indeed, our elected officials have been, as usual, very active, filing proposals on a variety of subjects such as gun control, abortion, labor unions and emigration, to name a few.  Our current recipients - the proposed legislation which attracted out attention was initially sponsored by two people - chose to focus on a subject which, by all accounts, required no legislation.  Until they made their voice heard, there was no pressing issue which needed resolving.  There was no outcry from their constituency nor from the public in general. As with so much of the activity on the Hill, carried out in concert with large (and very wealthy) special interests groups, likely their actions served a specific agenda but, in a litigious society such as ours, it would be foolhardy for us to speculate, out loud, just how 'tangible' the goal of said agenda might be.  

Before we bring out our winners, let us give you the title of the proposed legislation:

S. 462: United States-Israel Strategic Partnership Act of 2013

113th Congress, 2013–2015. Text as of Mar 05, 2013 (Introduced).

To enhance the strategic partnership between the United States and Israel.

This bill and the significance of it’s provisions are best summarized by Mike Coogan, legislative coordinator, U.S. Campaign to End Israeli Occupation.  Our the committee found section 9 of this bill particularly interesting as it would, as Glen Greenwald of The Guardian wrote, “uniquely exempt Israel from long-standing requirements imposed on all other nations.”  

Mr. Greenwald goes on to say:

“More amazingly, the only purpose of this exemption from these US senators would be to allow Israel to discriminate against the citizens of the country these senators are supposed to represent.”

Need we say more?

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you,

Barbara Boxer, Democrat from California 

and 

Roy Blunt, Republican from Missouri.

Our winners have given new meaning to the idea that U.S. politicians should, first and foremost, represent the interests of U.S. citizens!  Congratulations!

A. J. Aston

Article first published as Absurdity on Capitol Hill on Blogcritics.

From Outside In

The stuff votes are made of.....

While the two sides of the isle cannot even agree on what the root cause of gun violence in this country is, the Europeans, hearing reports of yet another mass shooting in the U.S., scratch their heads and wonder what the hell is our problem.

The answer is that the devil, as they say, is in the details, and what the Europeans don’t hear about is a not so small detail called the NRA.  Though it is neither a governmental institution, nor is it run by elected officials, yet, when it comes to the subject of firearms, the NRA has had more than 230 legislative victories in the past ten years and on the state level alone, never mind federal.  Why is that?  Judging by the likes of Wayne LaPierre, they are neither intelligent, nor very persuasive in their arguments which are often as outlandish as they are misleading or downright untrue.  Is it that Mr. LaPierre is just so incredibly charming?  Hardly.  Even among his staunchest supporters, I doubt “charm” is anywhere among the words which spring to their minds in connection with ol’ Wayne.

Testimony of an Egg

My name is Ovum.  I, uh….

How is that spelled?

Oh-Vee-You-Em, Your Honor.

Thank you. What brings you before us today?

I have been unjustly accused of wrong-doing.

Please explain.

Well, Your Honor, it all started when my sister and I were given permission to go out.  We were floating down a narrow alley, just minding our own business, when an army of these beings - I cannot describe them any other way - came charging at us out of nowhere.    Soon, we were surrounded.  One of these guys just wouldn’t leave me alone.  He kept on hitting on me.  I tried to ignore him (I didn’t want any trouble) but he was really persistent, kept pushing and pushing at me!  Before I knew it, he managed to burrow his way inside me.  I….., 

What did he look like?

Um, difficult to say.  They all looked alike.  They were kind of rotund and, oh yes, I remember they were all wearing the same funny outfits or costumes. Made them look like they had tails, you see.  Maybe they belonged to a club or were in the chorus of a play or something, I have no idea.   That’s all I remember.  It was dark out, I couldn’t see very well.

Wasn’t your assailant close enough to identify?

Well, yes he was, but I can’t really describe him, Your Honor, because he came at me from behind and every time I turned around, he just just stayed right back there…..So anyway, since I couldn’t get him out from under my skin again, well, you know, if you can’t beat them, might as well join them, right?  

Do not be flippant! 

Yes, Your Honor, I apologize.  Let me rephrase.  We both wanted to make the best of an awkward situation so we discussed the problem and then decided that the only solution was to combine forces and merge.  We, uh, I became a zygote.  Then one day a strange thing happened.  My eyes were closed at the time so I can’t say exactly what went on but, when I opened them again, there were two of us.  We were an exact replica of one another.  At first, I thought I was seeing things…., 

Had you been drinking?

No, Your Honor, I was not, I swear.  Anyway, from then on, every so often, the same thing would happen again.  Suddenly, there was four of us, then we were eight, then sixteen, then thirty two; we were multiplying faster and faster.  Since we were all identical and got along famously, we decided to keep going, make something of ourselves, you know? 

Please continue.

Oh, right!  Well, anyway, now I was a full-fledged embryo, taking my orders from the mother ship.  I’d like to note here that there was absolutely no discussion!  I was never asked for my thoughts and opinions regarding the project!  I had to do what I was told and to the letter.  Mine was not to reason why, mine was but to do or….well, die.  Material was periodically sent down to make whatever conversions and adjustments to our structure.  I used everything I was given, Your Honor!  Every last drop.  I didn’t pilfer or skimp or steal so if anyone had a problem with the end result, they should have addressed it to the mother ship, not to me!  I did my part and….

An Assumption Really Can Make an Ass Out of…..

This adage was oh, so true last night, when Super Bowl XLVII collided with my ignorance.

As I’m sure you all know, each sport has it’s own specific terminology.  To those who are uninitiated, commentary to the game’s events not only does not help, it confuses things even further.  For example, to someone unfamiliar with soccer, being told that a player is “off-sides” or that he was given a “free kick” would mean about as much as “line of scrimmage” or “double reverse” or “fourth down conversion” meant to me, i.e. bupkus.  

Understandably therefore,  the Super Bowl was not what I was planning to watch, unable as I would have been, to follow what the hell was going on.  Having said that, I confess that I did, at one point, switch to the game, but only to see how good the commercials were and to watch the much publicized half-time show.  Once that was over I went back to watching Downton Abbey which I found infinitely more interesting.  

At eleven pm I again switched to CBS to find out who won the game.  Since I have no idea how long a traditional football game lasts, the fact that it was still on was not, to my mind, noteworthy one way or another.  The score was now San Francisco 29, Baltimore 34 (or something like that).  The commentators blathered on about “conversions”and “time-outs” and something called a “power outage” which I assumed was just another American football euphemism - this one coined to describe what players often experience after having, in a short period of time, exerted more than the usual amount of energy on the field in an effort to gain points and close a large (and perhaps humiliating) gap in the score (which San Francisco had indeed done).  

It wasn’t till the next morning that I found out that the lights went out for thirty four minutes during the second half of the game….. 

Sometimes an ass is just a farm animal….or me watching football.

A.J. Aston