My name is Ovum. I, uh….
How is that spelled?
Oh-Vee-You-Em, Your Honor.
Thank you. What brings you before us today?
I have been unjustly accused of wrong-doing.
Please explain.
Well, Your Honor, it all started when my sister and I were given permission to go out. We were floating down a narrow alley, just minding our own business, when an army of these beings - I cannot describe them any other way - came charging at us out of nowhere. Soon, we were surrounded. One of these guys just wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept on hitting on me. I tried to ignore him (I didn’t want any trouble) but he was really persistent, kept pushing and pushing at me! Before I knew it, he managed to burrow his way inside me. I…..,
What did he look like?
Um, difficult to say. They all looked alike. They were kind of rotund and, oh yes, I remember they were all wearing the same funny outfits or costumes. Made them look like they had tails, you see. Maybe they belonged to a club or were in the chorus of a play or something, I have no idea. That’s all I remember. It was dark out, I couldn’t see very well.
Wasn’t your assailant close enough to identify?
Well, yes he was, but I can’t really describe him, Your Honor, because he came at me from behind and every time I turned around, he just just stayed right back there…..So anyway, since I couldn’t get him out from under my skin again, well, you know, if you can’t beat them, might as well join them, right?
Do not be flippant!
Yes, Your Honor, I apologize. Let me rephrase. We both wanted to make the best of an awkward situation so we discussed the problem and then decided that the only solution was to combine forces and merge. We, uh, I became a zygote. Then one day a strange thing happened. My eyes were closed at the time so I can’t say exactly what went on but, when I opened them again, there were two of us. We were an exact replica of one another. At first, I thought I was seeing things….,
Had you been drinking?
No, Your Honor, I was not, I swear. Anyway, from then on, every so often, the same thing would happen again. Suddenly, there was four of us, then we were eight, then sixteen, then thirty two; we were multiplying faster and faster. Since we were all identical and got along famously, we decided to keep going, make something of ourselves, you know?
Please continue.
Oh, right! Well, anyway, now I was a full-fledged embryo, taking my orders from the mother ship. I’d like to note here that there was absolutely no discussion! I was never asked for my thoughts and opinions regarding the project! I had to do what I was told and to the letter. Mine was not to reason why, mine was but to do or….well, die. Material was periodically sent down to make whatever conversions and adjustments to our structure. I used everything I was given, Your Honor! Every last drop. I didn’t pilfer or skimp or steal so if anyone had a problem with the end result, they should have addressed it to the mother ship, not to me! I did my part and….